Top ten consultant series
Top Ten Things a Consultant Shouldn't Tell a Client
10. That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought
about it.
9. You should see the hotel I'm staying at.
8. Hey, I just realized that I was in junior high when you
started working here.
7. I like this office space. I'll have them put me in here
when you're gone.
6. My rental car looks nicer than that junker you're driving.
5. Sure it'll work; I learned it in business school.
4. So what do you need me to tell you?
3. Of course it's right; the spreadsheet says so.
2. I could just tell you the answer, but we're committed to a
three-month project.
1. What are you, stupid?
Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say at a Consulting Interview
10. I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of person.
9. Do you pay overtime?
8. I hate flying.
7. I'm useless without ten hours of sleep a night.
6. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.
5. Do you cover rental cars for collision?
4. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for
slackers.
3. I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to
remember whole phrases.
2. Two words: family first.
1. Call it what you want, it still means firing people.
Top Ten Ways To Know You're Dating/Married To A Consultant
10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a
"diagnostic period".
9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives
late.
8. Takes a half-day at the office because, "Sunday is your
day."
7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.
6. Tries to call room-service from the bedroom.
5. Ends any argument by saying, "let's talk about this
off-line."
4. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.
3. Can't be trusted with the car-too accustomed to beating up
rentals.
2. Valentine's Day card has bullet points.
1. Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win".
Top Ten Ways to Know You've Got the Consulting Bug
10. Can't stop using words that don't exist.
9. Worried that he who dies with the most frequent-flyer
miles wins.
8. Use so much jargon in conversation, friends think you're
speaking a foreign language.
7. Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing
about.
6. Always-hyphenating-words-that-don't-need-to-be-hyphenated.
5. Keep seeing bullet points everywhere.
4. Can fit the thematic undercurrents of War and Peace into a
two-by-two matrix.
3. Tired of having a social life beyond work.
2. A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make
you an expert.
1. Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than
any real work experience.
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from a Consultant
10. You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
9. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or
"value-added."
8. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I
read.
6. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than
they do.
5. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
3. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing
department.
2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
1. Everything looks okay to me.
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