HICKPHONICS
HICKPHONICS The Atlanta School Board has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary: HEIDI - noun. Greeting. HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?" BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck." BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements." MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts." THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare." BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare." IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!" RANCH -noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck." FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far." TAR -noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck." TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime." RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65." FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh." RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats." FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country." DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim." EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!" BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence." JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?" HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf." SEED -verb, past tense of "to see". VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City....view?" GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert." |
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