The State of the Union - clinton should have given
> THE STATE OF THE UNION THAT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN... > > "Members of Congress, America, I banged her. Like a cheap gong. > Which is not news, folks, because Monica never played the flute solo > in my libidinal orchestra. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to > diddle are Hillary, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're evil > and have legs stolen from massive nine-foot Steinway concert grands. > Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary. I do. If not for the > ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm > equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President. > > So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, > smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in > the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Webster, > sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and made pocket > pinball the game of choice in the Oval Office. Got it? Good. Six > years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was a > 10th degree horndog. But, you elected Mr. Fellatio President anyway, > which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice > was Bush, an aging yuppie moron who thought he could bomb his way into > the White House. Before him, it was Reagan who left office with the > same Alzheimer's he came with. There was Carter before him who shot > interest rates to 17%, smiling that toothy grin all the while like the > idiot savant he is. Nixon before that coined, but never really > understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and got a one-way > First Class ticket to San Clemente and several decent book deals. > Johnson was an inbred power-mad war criminal. And John Kennedy, who > took more than a few shake breaks himself behind closed doors, didn't > hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic > for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of > the White House. > > Which brings me back to me, and the point. Since I have been strumming > the banjo here, government is doing more for less. The budget is > balanced--first time since my sausage-mate, JFK, did a one gun salute > to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to notice, mostly because > they weren't looking. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can > get a job as a night-watchman. And, the stock market is higher than a > D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a > junior college who can spell 'software' has enough money to ponder > the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where the next > meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a government here, not > a dating school, and I've done it with my pecker showing. What I'm > asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter, unless, of > course, she's a babe with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss > it. In the meantime, think about where you are today, what kind of > life you're living, and before you get too interested in which way my > dong points, ask yourselves this question, 'Just what was it you hired > me to do?'" > -------------------------------------------------------------------------
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