How to Stay Married 
Foot in Mouth Department (Katie)
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HOW TO STAY MARRIED By Art Hoppe PSYCHOLOGISTS at the University of Washington say the secret of a happy marriage is for the husband to invariably give in to the wife. What kind of secret is that? Anyone who is familiar with my book, "The Four Stages of Marriage," knows that. On the off chance that you haven't read this definitive work, the four stages are: 1 -- The Slough of Despond: A young couple usually sinks into this stage three weeks after the honeymoon. They've married in blind passion, never having given a rational thought to each other's idiosyncrasies. So the fellow discovers, much to his consternation, that his dearly beloved is some kind of nut when it comes to folding socks before putting them in drawers. This naturally can lead to lengthy discussions, loud arguments, murder and even divorce. But the serious young man will go on to the second stage: 2 -- The Search for Enlightenment: Being young and inexperienced, he first tries active listening. "So what I hear you saying . . " he says. "What I'm saying," she says, "is fold your damn socks." That sends him to a marriage counselor. If he chooses a man, the man will shake his head and say, "What is it women want?" If it's a woman, she will shake her head and say, "She wants you to fold your damn socks." This inevitably leads to: 3 -- The Surrender to Reality: For awhile, he desperately clings to his position, though losing every battle. Slowly he realizes his limitations. For one thing, being a woman, she has a far better memory. Take the time he tosses his socks helter- skelter in his drawer, and they come out all sticky. "I told you I was going to varnish your bureau," says his wife sweetly. "In a pig's eye," he says. "Oh, yes I did," she says. "I was standing by the dishwasher, wearing my pink sweater and gray skirt and you were over by the door holding the sports section and I said . . ." Well, no one can argue with a memory like that. Worse, once she's recognized the power of her superior memory, she will remember all sorts of things he can't remember, like the time he said the fireplace damper was open or the time he told her to sell IBM at 93 or the time he . . . Even more dispiriting is learning he lacks the concentration for marital arguments. She says he's inconsiderate because he forgot the cat's birthday. A discussion ensues. When they part sulkily, his mind wanders off to baseball or mini skirts. Not hers. By the time they come back together, thanks to her incredible powers of concentration, she's thought up 17 more instances of his inconsiderateness. And all he can talk about is Barry Bonds' batting average. At this point, weaker men usually resort to foot stamping and yelling. But the mature, intelligent man has the grace to accept his handicaps. Realizing that he can't win an argument, he rationally renounces arguing and thereby reaches: 4 -- Nirvana: Is it so difficult to fold a pair of socks? Of course not, not if it will make your wife happy. Selfishly keep in mind that no husband is happy unless his wife his happy. So give in. Do what she says. Remember that the two words that ensure a happy marriage are: "Yes, dear." And if you don't believe me, just ask my dear wife, Glynda. ©1998 San Francisco Chronicle </chronicle/info/copyright> |
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