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to: "Humor and the like"

Cute Quotes Date: 1999, May 25 From: <Anonymous>

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like. Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them. One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything. You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing. I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese. I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes. It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips. Age is important only if you're cheese or wine. The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes. Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. Can it be a coincidence that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards. Submitted by: Whattadeal @ aol.com

Skirt Too Tight Date: 1999, May 25 From: <Anonymous>

Skirt Too Tight One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels. As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and undoes the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again. Again, she finds that she cannot manage the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. She finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step. Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus. The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!" The Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."

PHRASES YOU CAN USE IN A MYRIAD OF BUSINESS SITUATIONS Date: 1999, May 03 From: <Anonymous>

PHRASES YOU CAN USE IN A MYRIAD OF BUSINESS SITUATIONS 1) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 2) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 3) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 4) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 5) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. 6) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 7) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 8) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 9) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 10) Ahhh...I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again... 11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 12) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 14) No, my powers can only be used for good. 15) How about never? Is never good for you? 16) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 17) You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. 18) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 19) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 20) I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 21) Who me? I just wander from room to room. 22) My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! 23) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 24) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 25) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 26) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 27) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject

Overheard Dirty Conversation Date: 1999, Apr 20 From: Charlie <crc1123@voicenet.com>

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

BEST T-SHIRT SAYINGS Date: 1999, Apr 04 From: <Anonymous>

BEST T-SHIRT SAYINGS "Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" "I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead" "Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat" "Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton" "Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt" "Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control" "If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees" "If You Can Read This...Kiss A Teecher" "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up" "If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There" "Procrastinate Now" "Rehab Is for Quitters" (Across a drawing of a skeleton) "Waiting for the Perfect Man" "My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse... .... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse" "The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley"

Top Ten Signs That You Are Burned Out Because Of Work Date: 1999, Mar 29 From: <wwong@Xgate-3D.Com>

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell." 9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, b!?@!" 8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box. 7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care. 6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee. 5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday. 4. You don't set your alarm anymore cause you know the pager will go off before the alarm does. 3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge. 2. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago. 1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail.

babysitter Date: 1999, Mar 29 From: <wwong@Xgate-3D.Com>

A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

In the beginning Date: 1999, Mar 29 From: <Anonymous>

Moses' account of the creation in the book of Genesis is so familiar and so entrenched in our cultural heritage that many accept as actual historic fact the assertion that Woman was created from one of Adam's ribs. Last week, at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the Dead Sea, archeologists have uncovered ancient, original texts that predate Moses' writings by 1,300 years. Translated, their account of life's beginnings on earth are much more scientifically plausible ... "... and God created Woman, giving her three breasts to succor her young. And God spake, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit. Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?" And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters. I need but two breasts." And God said,....... "Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom........" There was a crack of lightning and a lingering odor of ozone, and it was done, and Woman stood holding her third breast in her hand. "Now just what am I going to do with this useless boob?" Woman exclaimed........... .......And so it was, God created Man."

Wishes Date: 1999, Mar 29 From: <Anonymous>

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a big law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office right after lunch."

My Wife Date: 1999, Mar 29 From: <Anonymous>

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and took a firm hold of her left breast. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Date: 1999, Mar 29 From: <Anonymous>

Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ), I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: [Check all those that apply] ___ Your breasts are bigger than mine. ___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it. ___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing. ___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality. ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one. ___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants. ___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate. ___ You failed the credit check. ___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing. ___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable. ___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation. ___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School dipolma, are slight negatives. ___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine. ___ Your gift of a 2oz. Hershey Bar, with almonds , showed style. ___ Three final words.... Size does matter. Sincerely, [Your name here]

Wizard Parking Date: 1999, Mar 29 From: <Anonymous>

This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good nature, and would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign: This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad.

I Want It !!! Date: 1999, Mar 17 From: <Anonymous>

Dear Johnny, I know we have not known each other very long and I should not be asking you this so soon. But I want it so bad, so please don't get me wrong. It's something I haven't had in a long time. I can already feel it going in so good and hard and coming out soft and wet. No one will ever know. I'm very desperate and with your help I will be grateful to you. You must think I have a lot of nerve, but I feel my tongue wrapping around it sucking out the juice until there is no more. This has been on my mind all day long. I don't want to beat around the bush any longer, so can I please have a piece of gum? P.S. If you were thinking about something else, you have a dirty and nasty mind. Yours truly, Jessica

Dear Abby Date: 1999, Mar 17 From: <Anonymous>

From: Irina Margolin <racha@MIT.EDU> Excerpts taken from real letters sent to Dear Abby Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Curious Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause. Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. Dear Abby, My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? Carol Dear Carol, Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie. Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? Wondering Dear Wondering, The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Dear Abby, I know boys will be boys, but my boy is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? Annie Dear Annie, Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it. Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Sam Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office. Dear Abby, What inspires you most to write? Ted Dear Ted, The Bureau of Internal Revenue. Dear Abby, I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. Rose Dear Rose, So would I. Dear Abby, What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? Bess Dear Bess, Night and Day

Dead Lawyer Date: 1999, Mar 17 From: <Anonymous>

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about?" "It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me the course!" Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

Ways Microsoft Would Change The Auto Business Date: 1999, Mar 17 From: <Anonymous>

New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine. Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car. People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft cars, forgetting that these same features had been available from other car makers for years!

Vacation Time Date: 1999, Mar 15 From: <Anonymous>

**January 1, 2000** Dear Valued Employee: Re: Vacation Pay Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months. Sincerely, Automated Payroll Processing Dept.

Make Life Simpler Date: 1999, Mar 15 From: <Anonymous>

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected). If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

For Those in Need of Tag Lines Date: 1999, Mar 15 From: <Anonymous>

God must love morons 'cause there sure are a lot of 'em. I always keep a coat-hanger in the glove box - just in case I locked my keys in the car. The Weather is Here... Wish You Were Beautiful... "In my opinion, she is one of the nicest and greatest women who ever walked the streets". Mae West "No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public." Phineas T. Barnum A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Join The Army Today! Visit Exotic Places, Meet Interesting People and Then Kill Them! We do precision guesswork. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. He who hesitates is probably right. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out? Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. Indecision is the key to flexibility. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. I am having an out of money experience. Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that). Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself). When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. A closed mouth gathers no feet. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please? Which is the non-smoking lifeboat? Originality is the art of concealing your sources. Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit! Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician. Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch. The buck doesn't even slow down here!

social security search Re: For Those in Need of Tag Lines Date: 2002, Nov 15 From: Mike Kehler

Who know humor history about social security number search? I find info.

smilies Date: 1999, Feb 25 From: Wai K. Wong <wwong@MMnet.COM>

This was posted a while ago, I forget who gets the credits. Anyway, here are the smilies. -------------------------------- :-) Your basic smilie. This smilie is used to inflect a sarcastic or joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection over the Net. ;-) Winky smilie. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark. More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smilie. :-( Frowning smilie. User did not like that last statement or is upset or depressed about something. :-I Indifferent smilie. Better than a Frowning smilie but not quite as good as a happy smilie :-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a :-). >:-> User just made a really devilish remark. >;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made. Those are the basic ones...Here are some somewhat less common ones: (-: User is left handed %-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight :*) User is drunk [:] User is a robot 8-) User is wearing sunglasses B:-) Sunglasses on head ::-) User wears normal glasses B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses 8:-) User is a little girl :-)-8 User is a Big girl :-{) User has a mustache :-{} User wears lipstick {:-) User wears a toupee }:-( Toupee in an updraft :-[ User is a Vampire :-E Bucktoothed vampire :-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing :-7 User juust made a wry statement :-* User just ate something sour :-)~ User drools :-~) User has a cold :'-( User is crying :'-) User is so happy, s/he is crying :-@ User is screaming :-# User wears braces :^) User has a broken nose :v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way :_) User's nose is sliding off of his face :<) User is from an Ivy League School :-& User is tongue tied. =:-) User is a hosehead -:-) User is a punk rocker -:-( (real punk rockers don't smile) :=) User has two noses +-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office `:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning ,:-) Same thing...other side |-I User is asleep |-O User is yawning/snoring :-Q User is a smoker :-? User smokes a pipe O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver) O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least) :-P Nyahhhh! :-S User just made an incoherent statement :-D User is laughing (at you!) :-X User's lips are sealed :-C User is really bummed <|-) User is Chinese <|-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes :-/ User is skeptical C=:-) User is a chef @= User is pro-nuclear war *<:-) User is wearing a Santa Claus Hat :-o Uh oh! (8-o It's Mr. Bill! *:o) And Bozo the Clown! 3:] Pet smilie 3:[ Mean Pet smilie d8= Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat. E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator :-9 User is licking his/her lips %-6 User is braindead [:-) User is wearing a walkman (:I User is an egghead <:-I User is a dunce K:P User is a little kid with a propeller beenie @:-) User is wearing a turban :-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab) :-: Mutant Smilie The invisible smilie .-) User only has one eye ,-) Ditto...but he's winking X-( User just died 8 :-) User is a wizard C=}>;*{)) Mega-Smilie... A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft, a mustache, and a double chin Note: A lot of these can be typed without noses to make midget smilies. :) Midget smilie :] Gleep...a friendly midget smilie who will gladly be your friend =) Variation on a theme... :} - What should we call these? (what?) :) - Happy :> - what? :@ - what? :D - Laughter :I - Hmmm... :( - Sad :[ - Real Downer :< - what? :{ - what? :O - Yelling :C - what? :Q - what? :,( - Crying [] - Hugs and :* - Kisses |I - Asleep |^o -Snoring And still more variations on the theme... :-` smiley spitting out its chewing tobacco :-1 smiley bland face :-! " :-@ smiley face screaming :-#| smiley face with bushy mustache :-$ smiley face with it's mouth wired shut :-% smiley banker :-6 smiley after eating something sour :^) smiley with pointy nose (righty) :-7 smiley after a wry statement 8-) smiley swimmer :-* smiley after eating something bitter :-& smiley which is tongue-tied :-0 smiley orator smiley invisible man (:-( unsmiley frowning (:-) smiley big-face ):-) " ):-( unsmiley big-face )8-) scuba smiley big-face =:-) smiley punk-rocker =:-( (real punk rockers don't smile) +:-) smiley priest :-q smiley trying to touch its tongue to its nose :-e disappointed smiley :-t cross smiley :-i semi-smiley :-o smiley singing national anthem :-p smiley sticking its tongue out (at you!) :-[ un-smiley blockhead :-] smiley blockhead :-{ smiley variation on a theme :-} ditto {:-) smiley with its hair parted in the middle }:-) above in an updraft :-a lefty smilely touching tongue to nose :-s smiley after a BIZARRE comment :-d lefty smiley razzing you g-) smiley with pince-nez glasses :-j left smiling smilely :-k beats me, looks like something, tho. :-l y. a. s. :-: mutant smiley :-\ undecided smiley :-| "have an ordinary day" smiley ;-) winking smiley :-< real sad smiley :-> y.a.s. :-z y.a.c.s. :-x "my lips are sealed" smiley :-c bummed out smiley :-v talking head smiley :v) left-pointing nose smiley :-b left-pointing tongue smiley :-/ lefty undecided smiley :-? smilely smoking a pipe .-] one-eyed smilely ,-} wry and winking 0-) smiley cyclops (scuba diver?) :-=) older smiley with mustache :u) smiley with funny-looking left nose :n) smiley with funny-looking right nose :< midget unsmiley :> midget smiley }:^#}) mega-smiley: Updrafted bushy-mustached pointy nosed smiley with a double-chin :-) ha ha ~~:-( net.flame |-) hee hee O |-) net.religion |-D ho ho :-> hey hey 8 :-I net.unix-wizards :-( boo hoo X-( net.suicide :-I hmm E-:-I net.ham-radio :-O uh oh >:-I net.startrek :-P nyah nyah 3:o[ net.pets |-P yuk :-} beard :-{ mustache :-# braces :-X bow tie :-Q smoker <:I dunce (:I egghead @:I turban 8-) glasses B-) horn-rims 8:-) glasses on forehead :-8( condescending stare ;-) wink >:-< mad Drama :-( Comedy :-) Surpise :-o Suspense 8-| Male :- Female >- Birth |-O Death 8-# Infinity 8 Have fun with these. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stupid Criminal Tricks Date: 1999, Feb 12 From: <Anonymous>

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote on a deposit slip, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. +++++++++++++++++++++ More from San Francisco: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine. A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone number and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. +++++++++++++++++++++ Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself. +++++++++++++++++++++ Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence. +++++++++++++++++++++ Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St.Louis,Missouri. +++++++++++++++++++++ Colorado Springs: Guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later at his home +++++++++++++++++++++ Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled robber shot him.

Quayle Quotes Date: 1999, Feb 12 From: <Anonymous>

The Ultimate Collection of Quayle Quotes Remember the last time the Republicans held the White House? No? Well, maybe these genuine quotes from Vice President Dan Quayle will jog your memory...: "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Vice President Dan Quayle (The New Yorker, October 10, 1988, p.102) "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is." -- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while speaking to the United Negro College Fund "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." -- Vice President Dan Quayle Mars is essentially in the same orbit... somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Are they taking DDT?" -- Vice President Dan Quayle asking doctors at a Manhattan AIDS clinic about their treatments of choice. (NY Post, early May 92) "Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, Hawaii, September 1989 "You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans, whose capital Quayle pronounces "Pogo Pogo" "We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination of human rights." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I have heard a single voice." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -- Vice President Dan Quayle "If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican Forum, March 1990 "It's rural America. It's where I came from. We always refer to ourselves as real America. Rural America, real America, real, real, America." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "[I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo." -- Vice President Dan Quayle during the Bentsen debate "Target prices? How that works? I know quite a bit about farm policy. I come from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments - which are the key - that is what gets money into the farmer's hands. We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked very closely with my senior colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar, making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of." -- Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked to define the term "target prices." Quayle's press secretary then cut short the press conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds. "I'm not going to focus on what I have done in the past what I stand for, what I articulate to the American people. The American people will judge me on what I am saying and what I have done in the last 12 years in the Congress." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed without them in 'Red Storm Rising'." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "The US has a vital interest in that area of the country." -- Vice President Dan Quayle Referring to Latin America. "Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP, two countries. That's a statement in and of itself." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Who would have predicted... that Dubcek, who brought the tanks in in Czechoslovakia in 1968 is now being proclaimed a hero in Czechoslovakia. Unbelievable." -- Vice President Dan Quayle. Actually, Dubcek was the leader of the Prague Spring. "May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." -- The Quayle's 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.] "Why wouldn't an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to defensive capability. I believe that is the route this country will eventually go." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Well, it looks as if the top part fell on the bottom part." -- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to the collapsed section of the 880 freeway after the San Francisco earthquake of 1989. "Getting [cruise missiles] more accurate so that we can have precise precision." -- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to his legislative work dealing with cruise missiles "I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that have had a difficult time." -- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing workers at an Ohio steel plant, 1988 "Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President -- and I will be -- there will be contingency plans under different sets of situations and I tell you what, I'm not going to go out and hold a news conference about it. I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does that answer your question?" -- Vice President Dan Quayle when asked what he would do if he assumed the Presidency (1988) "Lookit, I've done it their way this far and now it's my turn. I'm my own handler. Any questions? Ask me ... There's not going to be any more handler stories because I'm the handler ... I'm Doctor Spin." -- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to press reports that his aides have to, in effect, "handle" him. "Bobby Knight told me this: 'There is nothing that a good defense cannot beat a better offense.' In other words a good offense wins." -- Vice President Dan Quayle comparing the offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact with the defensive system of NATO "Let me just tell you how thrilling it really is, and how, what a challenge it is, because in 1988 the question is whether we're going forward to tomorrow or whether we're going to go past to the -- to the back!" -- Vice President Dan Quayle "We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "The future will be better tomorrow." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I have a very strong record on the Environment in the United States Senate." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I was known as the chief grave robber of my state." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity, family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "We'll let the sunshine in and shine on us, because today we're happy and tomorrow we'll be even happier." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "This election is about who's going to be the next President of the United States!" -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Don't forget about the importance of the family. It begins with the family. We're not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the definition of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A mother. [Meaningful pause] A father. There are other arrangements of the family, but that is a family and family values." "I've been very blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful family, and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have a very good family. I'm very fortunate to have a very good family. I believe very strongly in the family. It's one of the things we have in our platform, is to talk about it." "I suppose three important things certainly come to my mind that we want to say thank you for. The first would be our family. Your family, my family -- which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three children, a larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all have our family, whichever that may be ... The very beginnings of civilization, the very beginnings of this country, goes back to the family. And time and time again, I'm often reminded, especially in this Presidential campaign, of the importance of a family, and what a family means to this country. And so when you say thanks I suppose the first thing that would come to mind would be to thank the Lord for the family." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "..Buzz Lukens took that fateful step..." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, confusing a Republican congressman allegedly accused of sexual assault with Astronaut Buzz Aldrin. "Okay, I won't open it until then." -- Vice President Dan Quayle after having been presented with an empty box that was to contain a gift from a sailing team in South America. He was told that the gift was not ready yet, but that it would be presented to him when they arrived in the United States. Dan Quayle, in April 1991, was concerned that his advisors may be getting out of touch with real Americans. In order to combat this, he suggested that they "read People magazine." "People that are really very wierd can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I'm going to be a vice president very much like George Bush was. He proved to be a very effective vice president, perhaps the most effective we've had in a couple of hundred years." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "The loss of life will be irreplaceable." -- Vice President Dan Quayle after the San Francisco earthquake "Let me tell you something. As we were walking around in the store, Marilyn and I were just really impressed by all the novelties and the different types of little things that you could get for Christmas. And all the people that would help you, they were dressed up in things that said 'I believe in Santa Claus.' And the only thing that I could think is that I believe in George Bush." -- Vice President Dan Quayle at a garden center and produce store in Baltimore (from the Los Angeles Times, Douglas Jehl, November 6, 1988) "It's a very valuable function and requirement that you're performing, so have a great day and keep a stiff upper lip." -- Vice President Dan Quayle remarks to oil spill clean-up workers at Prince William Sound, May, 1989 "The President is going to benefit from me reporting directly to him when I arrive." -- Vice President Dan Quayle remarks to oil spill clean-up workers at Prince William Sound, May, 1989 "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I could take this home, Marilyn. This is something teenage boys might find of interest." --Vice President Dan Quayle, when purchasing a South African Indian Doll that, when lifted, displays an erection. "When you make as many speeches and you talk as much as I do and you get away from the text, it's always a possibility to get a few words tangled here and there." -- Vice President Dan Quayle defending himself (LA Herald Examiner 10/3/88) "Public Speaking is very easy." -- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88 "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I happen to be a Republican president- ah, the vice president." -- Vice President Dan Quayle (Newsweek 4/9/90) "I've never professed to be anything but an average student." -- Vice President Dan Quayle during the VP debate in Omaha, Nebraska (10/88) "The other day [the President] said, I know you've had some rough times, and I want to do something that will show the nation what faith that I have in you, in your maturity and sense of responsibility. (He paused, then said) Would you like a puppy?" -- Vice President Dan Quayle (LA Times 5/21/89) "In George Bush you get experience, and with me you get -- The Future!" -- Vice President Dan Quayle in eastern Illinois (LA Times 10/19/88) "The destruction, it is just very heart-rendering." -- Vice President Dan Quayle attempting to say the SF earthquake wreckage was heart-rending (Newsweek 10/30/89) "I spend a great deal of time with the President. We have a very close, personal, loyal relationship. I'm not, as they say, a potted plant in these meetings." -- Vice President Dan Quayle defending himself (Tampa Tribune-Times 1/7/90) "When I talked to him on the phone yesterday. I called him George rather than Mr. Vice President. But, in public, it's Mr. Vice President, because that is who he is." -- Vice President Dan Quayle shortly after being named George Bush's running mate (8/28/88 the NY Times). "I'm glad you asked me that. This gives me the perfect opportunity to talk about the problems with this Congress..." -- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to reporter's questions about his use of Air Force Two to go on golf trips at the cost of $26,000/hour "I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, in a speech to the Christian Coalition "We are leaders of the world of the space program. We have been the leaders of the world of our... of the space program and we're not going to continue where we're going to go, not withstanding the Soviet Union's demise and collapse -the former Soviet Union - we now have independent republics which used to be called the Soviet Union. Space is the next frontier to be explored. And we're going to explore. Think of all the things we rely upon in space today: communications from... Japan, detection of potential ballistic missile attacks. Ballistic missiles are still here. Other nations do have ballistic missiles. How do you think we were able to detect some of the Scud missiles and things like that? Space, reconnaissance, weather, communications - you name it. We use space a lot today." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Sometimes cameras and television are good to people and sometimes they aren't. I don't know if it's the way you say it, or how you look." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I just don't believe in the basic concept that someone should make their whole career in public service." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "The message of David Duke, is this, basically: Big government, anti-big government, get out of my pocketbook, cut my taxes, put welfare people back to work. That's a very popular message. The problem is the messenger." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I do have a political agenda. It's to have as few regulations as possible." -- Vice President Dan Quayle Sam, had a great time this weekend but the golf was lousey." -- Vice President Dan Quayle in a handwritten note written to Sam Snead in the summer of 1991, after they had played a round of golf. (Herald-Times, Bloomington, IN, July 15, 1992) "Who's responsible for the riots? The rioters!" -- Vice President Dan Quayle giving an intelligent, in-depth analysis of the LA riots. (Herb Caen, SF Chronicle) "I think especially in her position, a highly successful professional woman, it would be a real exception to have an unwed child." -- Vice President Dan Quayle to The Chron's Jerry Roberts. "I don't watch it, but I know enough to comment on it." -- Vice President Dan Quayle defending his opinions about the TV show "Murphy Brown" [Las Vegas RJ 21 May 92] "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Speaking as a man, it's not a woman's issue. Us men are tired of losing our women." -- Vice President Dan Quayle talking about breast cancer "I want to show you an optimistic sign that things are beginning to turn around." -- Vice President Dan Quayle trying to convince reporters that the economy was doing better because a Burger King had a "now hiring" sign in the window. He was campaigning for reelection in Ontario, CA in January 1992. "You have a part-time job and that's better than no job at all." -- Vice President Dan Quayle after the manager of the Burger King had said that the jobs offered were part-time minimum wage jobs, which didn't pay enough to live on, and that "It's hard to find people who want to actually show up for the job." "Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a cure for AIDS in the marketplace before Magic Johnson gets AIDS?" -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/13/91 (CNN) "I deserve respect for the things I did not do." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I feel that this [1981] is my first year, that next year is an election year, that the third year is the mid point and that the fourth year is the last chance I'll have to make a record since the last two years, I'll be a candidate again. Everything I do in those last two years will be posturing for the election. But right now I don't have to do that." -- Senator Dan Quayle "My position is that I understand from a medical situation, immediately after a rape is reported, that a woman normally, in fact, can go to the hospital and have a D and C. At that time... that is before the forming of a life. That is not anything to do with abortion." -- Vice President Dan Quayle explaining that Dilatation and Curettage, a form of abortion which occurs after fertilization, is not really abortion.(the Washington post, 11/03/88) "Add one little bit on the end... Think of 'potato,' how's it spelled? You're right phonetically, but what else...? There ya go...alright!" -- Vice President Dan Quayle correcting a student's correct spelling of the word "potato" during a spelling bee at an elementary school in Trenton. "I should have caught the mistake on that spelling bee card. But as Mark Twain once said, 'You should never trust a man who has only one way to spell a word.'" -- Vice President Dan Quayle, actually quoting from President Andrew Jackson. "This president is going to lead us out of this recovery." -- Vice President Dan Quayle at a campaign stop in California and and then at CA State University, Fresno (The Quayle Quarterly, Spring/Summer 1992) "We have to do more than just elect a new president if we truly want to change this country." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "We are ready for any unforseen event that may or may not occur" -- Vice President Dan Quayle "For NASA, space is still a high priority." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "[The U.S. victory in Gulf war was a] stirring victory for the forces of aggression." -- Vice President Dan Quayle And, finally: "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." -- Vice President Dan Quayle =================================================================== You said it, Dan!! Thanks to Ron Williams for all these quotes!

Pre-Viagra Medication Date: 1999, Feb 09 From: <Anonymous>

"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't prescribe..." "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me." The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE." "I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um... okay." The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes -- he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..." His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."

Why Men Should be Built by Fuji... Date: 1999, Feb 09 From: <Anonymous>

They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used; You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot; They last longer and come with a warranty; You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle; They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it; They come in fashion colors; You can keep them in maximum zoom; They come with replacable or adjustable parts; The parts that counts are portable; They don't mind over-exposure; They respond to the slightest touch; The one you want is available at a KMART near you;

WHAT'S Y'ALL'S SIGN Date: 1999, Feb 08 From: <Anonymous>

WHAT'S Y'ALL'S SIGN (Horoscope for Southerners) It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls and, once in a great while, I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no damn water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood's not crawling with them either. SO, what we need here is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky. SCROLL DOWN TO YOUR BIRTH DATE! OKRA: Dec 22 - Jan 20 Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies. CHITLIN: Jan 21 - Feb 19 Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around. BOLL WEEVIL: Feb 20 - Mar 20 You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it. MOON PIE: Mar 21 - Apr 20 You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not. POSSUM: Apr 21 - May 21 When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't - bother - me - about - it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over. CRAWDAD: May 22 - Jun 21 Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads. COLLARDS: Jun 22- Jul 23 Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache. CATFISH: Jul 24 - Aug 23 Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies. GRITS: Aug 24 - Sep 23 Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. BOILED PEANUTS: Sep 24 - Oct 23 You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you. BUTTER BEAN: Oct 24 - Nov 22 Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies. ARMADILLO: Nov 23 - Dec 21 You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

The Gas Grill Date: 1999, Feb 08 From: <Anonymous>

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said "Hey, honey you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it is as big as the gas grill now." The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick, measured the grill & then measured his wife's butt. "Yep, he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size." The wife got very incensed & decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside & didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?" The wife rolled over & turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. What's the matter?" he asked. To which she replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"

You know you're hooked on coffee when... Date: 1999, Feb 04 From: <Anonymous>

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You speed walk in your sleep. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." You answer the door before people knock. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You lick your coffeepot clean. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. Cocaine is a downer. All your kids are named "Joe." You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." You don't sweat, you percolate. You buy milk by the barrel. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup." You've worn the finish off your coffee table. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. You're so wired, you pick up FM radio. People can test their batteries in your ears. Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans." Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf faster without a remote. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." You get drunk just so you can sober up. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. Your Thermos is on wheels. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You have a conniption over spilled milk. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. You don't tan, you roast. You don't get mad, you get steamed. Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood. You can't even remember your second cup. You help your dog chase its tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate." You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. Gag-O-Mactic Joke Server 3.0 jokes@gag-o-matic.lowcomdom.com Info on Subscribing and unsubscribing: www.lowcomdom.com/joke_of_the_day.html "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner

Feeling Old Today Date: 1999, Jan 15 From: <Anonymous>

--- Forwarded mail Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list: 1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980. 2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot. 3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. 4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. 5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one president. 6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War. 7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie. 8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up, and Tiananmen Square means nothing to them. 9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. 10. They never had a polio shot, and likely do not know what it is. 11. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull-top can looks like. 12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums. 13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. 14. They have never owned a record player. 15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong. 16. Star Wars look very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic. 17. There have always been red M&Ms, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones? 18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably never have actually seen or heard one. 19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old. 20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents. 21. They have always had an answering machine. 22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV. 23. They have always had cable. 24. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is. 25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. 26. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony. 27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them. 28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno. 29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. 30. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave. 31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player. 32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. 33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, or even the Civil War. 34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. 35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. 36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. 37. They never heard the terms: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de plane!" 38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is. 39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was. 40. Michael Jackson has always been white. 41. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups. 42. McDonald's never came in styrofoam containers. 43. There has always been MTV. ---End of forwarded mail

World Shortest Books Date: 1999, Jan 15 From: <Anonymous>

"My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton The Difference between Reality and Dilbert Human Rights Advances in China "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman America's Most Popular Lawyers Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors Cleveland -- A Travel Guide Different Ways to Spell "Bob" Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA Staple Your Way to Success The Programmer's Guide to Fashion

Life after Art Date: 1998, Dec 31 From: <Anonymous>

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor."

The Plane Crash Date: 1998, Dec 30 From: <Anonymous>

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly gates together. "Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, "Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back." Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one." Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. BUT..... Two days later... "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

DIET FOR STRESS and HOLIDAY OVEREATING Date: 1998, Dec 30 From: <Anonymous>

DIET FOR STRESS and HOLIDAY OVEREATING This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day....and will reduce overeating !! Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milk Lunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast l cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookie Mid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauce Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Snickers bars Late Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer) Rules for this Diet 1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do. 4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. 5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls. 7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage. 8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something sweet and gooey. 9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories..... .......Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes; pink grapefruit and ham. 10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. 11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass. 12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!) REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

Things you should never say to a naked man... Date: 1998, Dec 30 From: <Anonymous>

1) I've smoked joints fatter than that. 2) Ahh, it's cute. 3) I'm sorry. 4) Who circumcised you? 5) Why don't we just cuddle? 6) You know they have surgery to fix that. 7) You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 8) Can I paint a smiley face on that? 9) Wow, and your feet are so big. 10) My last boyfriend was 4" bigger. 11) It's OK, we'll work around it. 12) Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 13) Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 14) Oh no, a flash headache! 15) My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 16) Let me go get my tweezers. 17) How sweet, you brought incense! 18) This explains your car. 19) Are you one of those pygmies? 20) All right! A treasure hunt! 21) Why is God punishing you? 22) But it still works, right? 23) Do you take steroids? 24) Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 25) Let me know when you're done. 26) Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 27) Aww, it's hiding. 28) Are you cold? 29) If you get me real drunk first. 30) Is that an optical illusion? 31) Were you neutered? 32) It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 33) Does it come with an air pump? 34) So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 35) Do I hang my hat on it? 36) Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!

Untitled Re: Things you should never say to a naked man... Date: 2002, Nov 07 From: heather <heatherinbeloit@webtv.net>

The Pharmacy Date: 1998, Dec 30 From: <Anonymous>

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?" "You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of Cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

House Repairs Date: 1998, Dec 30 From: <Anonymous>

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake." He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?" Submitted by: Karen @ usa.net

ADAM SANDLER ASTROLOGY Date: 1998, Jun 05 From: <Anonymous>

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a freaking jerk. Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick. Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit. Taurus (April 23 - May 22) You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a damned communist. Gemini (May 23 - June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means your are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest. Cancer (June 23 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a crap.. Everyone in prison is a Cancer. Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and enjoy masturbation more than sex. Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep during sex. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps. Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease. Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered. Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of dung. Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Criminal Puns Date: 1998, May 29 From: Naveena

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: (brace yourself) >>>. >>>. >>>. >>>. >>>. >>>. >>>.. >>>. >>>. >>>. >>>. >>>. >>>"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

True police stories Date: 1998, May 27 From: Rick <rick@deaneng.com>

TRUE POLICE STORIES A woman gets pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I bet you're going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball." He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls." There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. --------------------------------------------------------------------- A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail, a ticket for $40.00, and a photo of his car. Instead of the payment, he sent the police department a photograph of two $20.00 bills. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture.......... of handcuffs. ************************************************************ True story from Orange County: A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no, he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back, and they run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits, and waits, and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on his door. They ask if Mr. X lives here and the wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing the car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: The police car, lights still flashing. ************************************************************ A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the reason for it. A 10yr old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said: "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigation work led the officer to the boy's accomplice. Another 10yr old boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with sign reading: "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

Tennis Ball Date: 1998, May 24 From: <Anonymous>

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked,... her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Ooooh," said the girl cooed sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

Golf Laws Date: 1998, May 24 From: rick <rick@deaneng.com>

These laws were owned by a guy who carried them around in his golf bag for, judging by the age of the paper (and his golf bag), decades. True golfers should understand the words laid out here. LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This LAW does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime. LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a LAW of the universe and should be cut down. LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe. LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire. LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man. LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls. LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you? LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse. LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination. LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see LAW 3) LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty. LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker." LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you. LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month. LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

Pickup lines Date: 1998, May 22 From: Rick <rick@deaneng.com>

Man: "Haven't we met before?" >> Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." >> >> Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? >> Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." >> >> Man: "Is this seat empty?" >> Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." >> >> Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?" >> Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" >> >> Man: "Your place or mine?" >> Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." >> >> Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" >> Woman: "It's in the phone book." >> Man: "But I don't know your name." >> Woman: "That's in the phone book too." >> >> Man: "So what do you do for a living?" >> Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." >> >> Man: "What sign were you born under?" >> Woman: "No Parking." >> >> Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" >> Woman: "Do not Enter" >> >> Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" >> Woman: "Unfertilized !" >> >> Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason" >> Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" >> >> Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." >> Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?" >> >> Man: "I know how to please a woman." >> Woman: "Then please leave me alone." >> >> Man: "I want to give myself to you." >> Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." >> >> Man: "I can tell that you want me." >> Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave." >> >> Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy: >> Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing." >> >> Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" >> Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.." >> >> Man: "Your body is like a temple." >> Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today." >> >> Man: "I'd go through anything for you." >> Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account." >> >> Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you. >> Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Retarded "Family Feud" Answers Date: 1998, May 19 From: Veronica <veronicah@rational.com>

These are actual answers given by lame contestants on the Feud. Retarded "Family Feud" Answers Name something a blind person might use - A sword Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde Name a dangerous race - The Arabs Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse Name something that floats in the bath - Water Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair Name something Red - My cardigan Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers Name a famous royal - Mail A number you have to memorize - 7 Something you do before going to bed - Sleep Something you put on walls - Roofs Something in the garden that's green - Shed Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings Something you might be allergic to - Skiing Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog Something associated with the police - Pigs A sign of the zodiac - April Something slippery - A conman A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish A food that can be brown or white - Potato A jacket potato topping - Jam A famous Scotsman - Jock Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones Something with a hole in it - Window A non living object with legs - Plant A domestic animal - Leopard A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee A way of cooking fish - Cod Something you open other than a door - Your Bowels

that's the biz Date: 1998, May 08 From: <Anonymous>

There once was an advertising exec who lived his whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people he dealt with. In fact, he made sure that every account he worked on was a win-win situation. One day, while walking down the street, he was tragically hit by a bus, and he died. His soul arrived up in heaven, where he was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an advertising exec make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you." No problem, just let me in." said the ad exec. Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven, and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity." Actually, I think I've made up my mind ... I prefer to stay in Heaven." Sorry, we have rules .." And with that St. Peter put the ad exec in an elevator, and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the ad exec found himself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club, and standing in front of him were all his friends - fellow ad execs that he had worked with and they were all dressed in tuxedos and cheering for him. They ran up and slapped him on his back, and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club, where he enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. He met the Devil, who was actually a really nice guy and he had a great time telling joke and dancing. The ad exec was having such a good time that before he knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook his hand and waved goodbye as he got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter waiting for him. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven." So the ad exec spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. He had a great time, and before he knew it, his 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got him. So, you've spent a day in hell, and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity." The ad exec paused for a second and then replied, Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and again the ad exec went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened, he found himself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. He saw his friends were in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to him and put his arm around him. "I don't understand," stammered the ad exec. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club, and we ate lobster, and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage, and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at him and smiled. "That's because yesterday you were a prospect, but today you're a client."

Next in line Re: that's the biz Date: 1998, Jul 19 From: <PRFrawley@aol.com>

Three doctors, old friends from medical school, are driving to a conference when the car goes out of control and falls off a cliff, killing all three. Their souls are instantly taken up to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is standing there, book in hand, and he's not happy. It's been a long day, he's just checked through the former occupants of a crashed Russian airliner, and it's just about closing time when these three doctors show up. St. Peter says, "Okay, look, let's get this over with. You, number one, what's your story?" The first doctor steps up and says, "I was a pediatrician, and helped children grow to be healthy and strong." St. Peter nods, gestures, and lets the first doctor float on in to eternal bliss. The second approaches, and St. Peter says, "Okay, what's your claim to fame?" The second doctor says, "I was a coronary specialist who helped people live longer, happier lives." St. Peter gives him the go-ahead, and the second doctor picks up his harp and finds a comfy cloud. The third doctor approaches, and St. Pete leans on the podium and says, "Yes. And as for you?" The third doctor says, "Well, I got out of practicing five years ago, started an HMO, and netted ten million last year." St. Peter's eyes narrow. In as much of a sneer as an angel can muster, he passes sentence on the third doctor: "Okay, fine. That's cool. You can come in..." The doctor beams and floats upward. "...and will be discharged within twenty-four hours."

Words of wisdom Date: 1998, May 08 From: <Anonymous>

Deep Thoughts---something for almost everyone. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "Where is the ceiling?!" Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open. Just make sure the strings are still attached. Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid. Indecision is the key to flexibility. Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind. Having an out of body experience. Back in five. Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen all at once. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet. All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen. I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager. My Reality Check bounced.

Top ten consultant series Date: 1998, May 08 From: <Anonymous>

Top Ten Things a Consultant Shouldn't Tell a Client 10. That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought about it. 9. You should see the hotel I'm staying at. 8. Hey, I just realized that I was in junior high when you started working here. 7. I like this office space. I'll have them put me in here when you're gone. 6. My rental car looks nicer than that junker you're driving. 5. Sure it'll work; I learned it in business school. 4. So what do you need me to tell you? 3. Of course it's right; the spreadsheet says so. 2. I could just tell you the answer, but we're committed to a three-month project. 1. What are you, stupid? Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say at a Consulting Interview 10. I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of person. 9. Do you pay overtime? 8. I hate flying. 7. I'm useless without ten hours of sleep a night. 6. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics. 5. Do you cover rental cars for collision? 4. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers. 3. I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember whole phrases. 2. Two words: family first. 1. Call it what you want, it still means firing people. Top Ten Ways To Know You're Dating/Married To A Consultant 10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic period". 9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late. 8. Takes a half-day at the office because, "Sunday is your day." 7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation. 6. Tries to call room-service from the bedroom. 5. Ends any argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line." 4. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review. 3. Can't be trusted with the car-too accustomed to beating up rentals. 2. Valentine's Day card has bullet points. 1. Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win". Top Ten Ways to Know You've Got the Consulting Bug 10. Can't stop using words that don't exist. 9. Worried that he who dies with the most frequent-flyer miles wins. 8. Use so much jargon in conversation, friends think you're speaking a foreign language. 7. Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing about. 6. Always-hyphenating-words-that-don't-need-to-be-hyphenated. 5. Keep seeing bullet points everywhere. 4. Can fit the thematic undercurrents of War and Peace into a two-by-two matrix. 3. Tired of having a social life beyond work. 2. A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make you an expert. 1. Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than any real work experience. Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from a Consultant 10. You're right; we're billing way too much for this. 9. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added." 8. How about paying us based on the success of the project? 7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read. 6. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do. 5. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that. 4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports. 3. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department. 2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people. 1. Everything looks okay to me.

Quotes from offices Date: 1998, May 06 From: Wai K. Wong <wwong@MMnet.COM>

Quotes from offices Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done". Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you." A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale improves." A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired." My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory. My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier. My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain. I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him. He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE. Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it. Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!" HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions." Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

Great Truths... Date: 1998, May 04 From: <Anonymous>

Great truths about life that little kids have learned... -------------------------------------------------------- No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. School lunches stick to the wall. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

Dumb blode joke.... Keywords: dumb blode jokes Date: 1998, May 04 From: Rick Umstattd <rick@deaneng.com>

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her, "Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the capital of Montana?" The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"

HOW DIRTY IS YOUR MIND??? Date: 1998, May 04 From: <Anonymous>

QUIZ: HOW DIRTY IS YOUR MIND??? 1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I? 2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I? 3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I? 4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I? 5. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I? 6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I? 7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I? 8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I? 9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I? 10. This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, some-times slowly, sometime quickly, into a warm,fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy,frothy,sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What is it? ANSWERS: 1. A dentist 2. A wedding ring 3. Peanut butter 4. Chewing gum 5. An elevator 6. A nose 7. A newspaper boy 8. A glove 9. A crane 10. A toothbrush, of course SCORING: 0-1 YIKES! 2-4 Get your mind out of the gutter! 5-7 Good job. 8-10 Are you asexual?

Computer haikus Date: 1998, May 04 From: Katie

********************* A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. - - - - - - - - - - - - The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist - - - - - - - - - - - - Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. - - - - - - - - - - - - ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much. - - - - - - - - - - - - First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. - - - - - - - - - - - - With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. - - - - - - - - - - - - The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. - - - - - - - - - - - - Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. - - - - - - - - - - - - Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down - - - - - - - - - - - - A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. - - - - - - - - - - - - Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that - - - - - - - - - - - - Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. - - - - - - - - - - - - You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. - - - - - - - - - - - - Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. - - - - - - - - - - - - Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. - - - - - - - - - - - - Rather than a beep Or a rude error message, These words: "File not found." - - - - - - - - - - - - Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Microsoft Diversifies Date: 1998, Apr 24 From: Katie

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat// Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodarn.good/tryagain\again/again.crud. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Bad technical writing samples Keywords: technical writing Date: 1998, Apr 23 From: Katie

1. From a "how to write user manuals" book: The organization shown in Figure 1.5 demonstrates this commitment if the documentation group needs a single manager (or director) to direct that documentation and customer support members become "blood brothers and sisters." 2. "The use of a user dialog has been used to simplify the initial use of this sample application." 3. "...choose the {file name} file and lick OK to open it." 4. "Occasionally we send information about {company name} products and services to our customers. If you do NOT want to receive these offers, please check below. 5. "Because of businesses down sizing about eight million people who have lost their jobs just last year in the United States, are looking at running there own businesses, and with the Information super highway taking off like a rocket, with millions of businesses going on the world wide web, addressing this hot area, in book form." 6. "Please hold these instruction in your hand for one year." 7. "A qualified person will verify the equipment cannot be operated BY OPERATING the equipment operating controls." 8. Since the user interface for analyzer calibration refers to calibration as "calibration," this chapter will refer to the process of calibration as calibration. 9. Before unscrewing, remove four foot rubbers. 10. Type the field name Name in the Field Name field. 11. "Contrary to popular misconception, it is far from true that ultrasonic inspection is unsafe." 12. "5.5.13 Writing Style: In general, the active voice is used in all procedures. References made in the textual portions will be identified by Title and procedure document number." 13. From the title of a seminar: "EMPLOYMENT LAW FOR NON-HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGERS" 14. Power switch. Power on/off switch is a push-bottom type. Used to "power on" or "power off." 15. From a technical publication written for the British Military: "It is necessary for technical reasons that these warheads should be stored with the top at the bottom and the bottom at the top. In order that there may be no doubt as to which is the top and which is the bottom, for storage purposes it will be seen that the bottom of each head has been labeled with the word TOP." 16. "For your review, here is the meeting minutes. Please let me know if I may have miss-stated any information. Again, thank you for your time and support. We could do it without you all."

The Pizza Metric Date: 1998, Apr 08 From: <Anonymous>

The software engineering community has been placing a great deal of emphasis lately on metrics and their use in software development. The following metrics are probably among the most valuable for a software project: The Pizza Metric ---------------- How: Count the number of pizza boxes in the lab. What: Measures the amount of schedule under-estimation. If people are spending enough after-hours time working on the project that they need to have meals delivered to the office, then there has obviously been a mis-estimation somewhere. The Aspirin Metric ------------------ How: Maintain a centrally-located aspirin bottle for use by the team. At the beginning and end of each month, count the number of aspirin remaining aspirin in the bottle. What: Measures stress suffered by the team during the project. This most likely indicates poor project design in the early phases, which causes over-expenditure of effort later on. In the early phases, high aspirin-usage probably indicates that the product's goals or other parameters were poorly defined. The Beer Metric --------------- How: Invite the team to a beer bash each Friday. Record the total bar bill. What: Closely related to the Aspirin Metric, the Beer Metric measures the frustration level of the team. Among other things, this may indicate that the technical challenge is more difficult than anticipated. The Creeping Feature Metric --------------------------- How: Count the number of features added to the project after the design has been signed off, but that were not requested by any requirements definition. What: This measures schedule slack. If the team has time to add features that are not necessary, then there was too much time allocated to a schedule task. The "Duck!" Metric ---------------------------- How: This one is tricky, but a likely metric would be to count the number of engineers that leave the room when a marketing person enters. This is only valid after a requirements document has been finalized. What: Measures the completeness of the initial requirements. If too many requirements changes are made after the product has been designed, then the engineering team will be wary of marketing, for fear of receiving yet another change to a design which met all initial specifications. The Status Report Metric ------------------------ How: Count the total number of words dedicated to the project in each engineer's status report. What: This is a simple way to estimate the smoothness with which the project is running. If things are going well, an item will likely read, "I talked to Fred; the widgets are on schedule." If things are not going as well, it will say, "I finally got in touch with Fred after talking to his phone mail for nine days straight. It appears that the widgets will be delayed due to snow in the Ozarks, which will cause the whoozits schedule to be put on hold until widgets arrive. If the whoozits schedule slips by three weeks, then the entire project is in danger of missing the July deadline."

HUMOR: Food spoilage Date: 1998, Mar 26 From: <connie@nanospace.com>

From: "Kirby, Dave" <dave.kirby@TANDEM.com> FOOD SPOILAGE TABLE Submitted by Jstielau@aol.com THE GAG TEST Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). EGGS When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. MAYONNAISE If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. FROZEN FOODS Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked, anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. LETTUCE Lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. CANNED GOODS Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball should be disposed of. Carefully. CARROTS A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. WINE Wine should not taste like salad dressing. POTATOES Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. CHIP DIP If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this. -- Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he doesn't like what you say, it's okay because you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

HUMOR: I was thinking Date: 1998, Mar 26 From: <connie@nanospace.com>

From: Rochelle Grober <rocky@hal.com> Forwarded message from Linda Derick <lindad@rattech.com> I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it. A ladyfriend of mine told me that at our age she has found that going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of her face. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals. You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, Oh, have you got a cat? Just once I wanted to say, No, it's for company. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks? Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do ... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? I thought about being rich and it don't mean so much . . . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac. If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight.

HUMOR: Ouch... Date: 1998, Mar 26 From: <connie@nanospace.com>

From: Rochelle Grober <rocky@hal.com> Forwarded message from Jim Pasha <jpasha@adaclabs.com> A guy goes into a restaurant wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

HICKPHONICS Date: 1998, Mar 16 From: <Anonymous>

HICKPHONICS The Atlanta School Board has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary: HEIDI - noun. Greeting. HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?" BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck." BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements." MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts." THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare." BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare." IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!" RANCH -noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck." FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far." TAR -noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck." TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime." RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65." FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh." RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats." FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country." DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim." EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!" BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence." JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?" HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf." SEED -verb, past tense of "to see". VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City....view?" GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

Untitled Date: 1998, Mar 16 From: <Anonymous>

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. . . . . . . . The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

HUMOR: Scott Adams on Sex Symbols of the 90s Date: 1998, Mar 15 From: <connie@nanospace.com>

From: "Gerrity, Dennis (ext: Syndet)" <dennis.gerrity@syndet.com> From: Nelson, Grant (ext: Syndet) Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The 90s by Scott Adams (author of Dilbert) Windows Magazine, May 1995 I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip "Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths, talkers, comic-strip fans-that sort of person. But a growing number are from women who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy. Some say they've already married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier. If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who spends most of his time with his computer. He's a nice guy but not exactly Kevin Costner. Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated. And he stays home. These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the incredible sex appeal. So what's the attraction? I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the people who have the best ability to survive and thrive. In the old days it was important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single blow to the forehead. But that skill is becoming less important every year. Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card without having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a stranger whose best career option is to work in tech support. It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each with its own evolutionary destiny: 1. Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who work in tech support). 2. Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets. This group will gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of pet crematoriums. Eventually they will become extinct. 3. Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at tourists. Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics. You want a real man. You want a knowledgeable computer user with evolution potential. And women prefer men who listen. Computer users are excellent listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time without saying anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's better if the guy actually talks. But men use up all the stories they'll ever have after six months. If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's say, retail sales, she'll get repeat stories starting in the seventh month and lasting forever. Marry an engineer and she gets a great listener for the next 70 years. Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate with somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are applying suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look like dried chili peppers in pants. Compare that with the healthy glow of a man who spends 12 hours a day in front of a video screen. It's also well established that computer users are better lovers. I know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman who married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times. I realize this isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the most persuasive thing I've written so far. If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair. They tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness-a sign of elevated testosterone-or (2) unkempt jungle hair-the kind you see only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking. If this were a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the strong circumstantial evidence alone. I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there. They'll delight in pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the problem. That's okay. Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung at tourists. Then who'll be laughing? (Answer to rhetorical question: everybody but the tourists.) Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And Bill Clinton said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically, according to the U.S government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate aphrodisiac. You could argue with me-I'm just a cartoonist-but it's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women. You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use computers are sexy. But look at it from my point of view: I'm getting paid by the word for this article. I'm not done yet. In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks. Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood. Men know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman is going to look at them twice. It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless. And nobody likes a man who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her. And if you think that's stupid, I've got 100 words to go. Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor. If we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we can also agree that it's best if the guy knows how to use the computer. Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser sitting in front of a PC in his underwear. In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive. It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article.

HUMOR: Strange but true Date: 1998, Mar 15 From: <connie@nanospace.com>

From: Jordan Archer <jordan@transmeta.com> From: elstadst@norand.com[SMTP:elstadst@norand.com] STRANGE BUT TRUE: *Non-dairy creamer is flammable. *Stewardesses and reverberated are the two longest words (12 letters each) that can be typed using only the left hand. *The longest word that can be typed using only the right hand is lollipop. *Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands. *A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. *In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1. *A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein. *The underside of a horse's hoof is called a frog. The frog peels off several times a year with new growth. *The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. *The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards. *The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed." *The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate. *The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. *Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic." *The shape of plant collenchyma cells and the shape of the bubbles inbeer foam are the same - they are orthotetrachidecahedrons. *The word 'pound' is abbreviated 'lb.' after the constellation 'libra' because it means 'pound' in Latin, also 'scales'. The abbreviation for the British Pound Sterling comes from the same source: it is an 'L' for Libra/Lb. with a stroke through it to indicate abbreviation. Same goes for the Italian lira which uses the same abbreviation ('lira' coming from 'libra'). So British currency (before it went metric) was always quoted as "pounds/shillings/pence", abbreviated "L/s/d" (libra/solidus/denarius). *Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason. *Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. *The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead". *Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head." *Camel's milk does not curdle. *In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. *An animal epidemic is called an epizootic. *Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants. *The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used. *Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan. *All porcupines float in water. *Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio. *Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ? *The world's largest wine cask is in Heidelberg, Germany. *Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom." *Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. *If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town. *St. Stephen is the patron saint of bricklayers. *The first song played on Armed Forces Radio during operation DesertShield was "Rock the Casba" by the Clash. *The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. *The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.) *Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag. *The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanastan. *When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror. *The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. *Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar

HUMOR: Dilbertesque manager quotes Date: 1998, Mar 15 From: <connie@nanospace.com>

From: Barry Hayes <bhayes@placeware.com> From: Jerry Morrison <jerry@placeware.com> A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are actual quotes from managers out there: -- As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems) -- What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. -- How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? -- E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only to be used for company business. -- Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people. -- This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. -- Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. -- No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.

The World s Shortest Books Date: 1998, Mar 13 From: <Anonymous>

- "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson - "To All The Men I ve Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres - "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton - The Difference Between Reality and Dilbert - Human Rights Advances in China - "Things I Wouldn t Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman - Al Gore: The Wild Years - Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean - America's Most Popular Lawyers - Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Major - Cleveland - A Travel Guide - Different Ways to Spell "Bob" - Dr. Kevorkian s Collection of Motivational Speeches - Easy UNIX - Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance - Everything Men Know About Women - Everything Women Know About Men - French Hospitality - George Foreman s Big Book of Baby Names - "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel - Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette - One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes - Staple Your Way to Success - The Amish Phone Directory - The Engineer s Guide to High Fashion

Why we're so tired.... Keywords: tired Date: 1998, Mar 09 From: Rick Umstattd <rick@deaneng.com>

> > _/_/_/_/_/_/_/ > WHY WE'RE SO TIRED > > For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack > of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found > out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. > > The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are > retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. > > There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the > work. > > Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. > This leaves 19 million to do the work. > > Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do > the work. > > Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City > Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. > > There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. > > Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people > to do the work. > > You and me. > > And you're sitting there reading this e-mail! > > _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ > The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

HUMOR: Lady and the Highway Patrolman Date: 1998, Mar 05 From: <rlk@Rational.Com>

An elderly couple was driving cross country, the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Alaska. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had." The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."

Untitled Re: HUMOR: Lady and the Highway Patrolman Date: 1998, Mar 06 From: Rick Umstattd <rick@deaneng.com>

he he he.... ;^) ->Rick

Yet another Clinton joke Date: 1998, Mar 05 From: Jennifer Umstattd <jenu@eng.sun.com>

President Clinton is checking out a comely young visitor to the White House. He approaches her and asks, "Would you like to step into the oval office and see my new clock?" She says that she doesn't think it would be a good idea. He says,"Aw come on in. It'll only take a minute." She goes into the oval office with him. When they get inside he immediately unzips his pants and exposes "little Willy". She says,"Mr. President that isn't a clock. It's a cock." He replies, "See what happens when you put a face and two hands on it!"

geez jen Re: Yet another Clinton joke (Jennifer Umstattd) Date: 1998, Mar 06 From: <Anonymous>

geez jen - that sounds like a joke I would tell :^) ->Rick

The State of the Union - clinton should have given Keywords: State of the Union Date: 1998, Mar 04 From: rick <rick@deaneng.com>

> THE STATE OF THE UNION THAT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN... > > "Members of Congress, America, I banged her. Like a cheap gong. > Which is not news, folks, because Monica never played the flute solo > in my libidinal orchestra. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to > diddle are Hillary, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're evil > and have legs stolen from massive nine-foot Steinway concert grands. > Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary. I do. If not for the > ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm > equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President. > > So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, > smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in > the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Webster, > sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and made pocket > pinball the game of choice in the Oval Office. Got it? Good. Six > years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was a > 10th degree horndog. But, you elected Mr. Fellatio President anyway, > which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice > was Bush, an aging yuppie moron who thought he could bomb his way into > the White House. Before him, it was Reagan who left office with the > same Alzheimer's he came with. There was Carter before him who shot > interest rates to 17%, smiling that toothy grin all the while like the > idiot savant he is. Nixon before that coined, but never really > understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and got a one-way > First Class ticket to San Clemente and several decent book deals. > Johnson was an inbred power-mad war criminal. And John Kennedy, who > took more than a few shake breaks himself behind closed doors, didn't > hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic > for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of > the White House. > > Which brings me back to me, and the point. Since I have been strumming > the banjo here, government is doing more for less. The budget is > balanced--first time since my sausage-mate, JFK, did a one gun salute > to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to notice, mostly because > they weren't looking. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can > get a job as a night-watchman. And, the stock market is higher than a > D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a > junior college who can spell 'software' has enough money to ponder > the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where the next > meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a government here, not > a dating school, and I've done it with my pecker showing. What I'm > asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter, unless, of > course, she's a babe with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss > it. In the meantime, think about where you are today, what kind of > life you're living, and before you get too interested in which way my > dong points, ask yourselves this question, 'Just what was it you hired > me to do?'" > -------------------------------------------------------------------------

S.F. Joke Date: 1998, Mar 04 From: Katie

Subject: fwd: S.F. Joke (fwd) You Know You Are In San Francisco, when.... Your co-worker tells you they have 8 body piercings but none are visible. (ewww!) When someone says TENDERLOIN - you don't think of steak. You think of danger. You make over $100,000 and still can't afford a house. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English. You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you know the drivers have never seen it. You can't remember....is pot illegal? You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the differencebetween Sumatra and Ethiopian. A really great parking space can move you to tears. You know that anyone wearing shorts in May is just visiting from Ohio. You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits. Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers"....it's the first time you have seen him/her nude. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named "Breeze." And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female. You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational mandarin or a building your own web site class. You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved to SF and you couldn't figure out how to drive to Coit Tower if your life depended on it. A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't notice. A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don't notice. You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the midwest. You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist. You keep a list of companies to boycott. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is a guy in drag.

Re: S.F. Joke Re: S.F. Joke (Katie) Date: 1998, Mar 04 From: Rick Umstattd

the last one is hilaroues!

Test Postings Date: 1998, Mar 04 From: <Anonymous>

posts like * it's this - screws up for the ' * $MYPATH=this - ends up being just =this * C:\foo - ends up being just foo

Foot in Mouth Department Date: 1998, Feb 27 From: Katie

PLEASE REMEMBER TO ENGAGE YOUR BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING! >______________________________________________________ > >"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the > world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not >with all those flies and death and stuff." >-- singer Mariah Carey. > >Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?" > Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live >forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live >forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." >-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest. > >"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same >reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also >discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they >are." > -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22. > >"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with > the law." > -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor > answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. > >"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part >of your life." >-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson > for a federal anti-smoking campaign. > > "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." > -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. > > "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime > rates in the country." > -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C. > > "Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be > discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you > expired on January 1, 1976." > -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid. > > "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this > century's history...We all lived in this century. I didn't live in > this century." > -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican > vice-presidential candidate during a news conference > in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust. > > "Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself." > -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator". > > "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make > them unsafe." > -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia. > > "I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are > vastly underpolluted." > -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank > explaining why we should export toxic wastes to > Third World countries. > >"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the > school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of > David Steele to the post." > -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island. > > "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." > -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on > the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

How to Stay Married Re: Foot in Mouth Department (Katie) Date: 1998, Feb 27 From: Veronica Veronica

HOW TO STAY MARRIED By Art Hoppe PSYCHOLOGISTS at the University of Washington say the secret of a happy marriage is for the husband to invariably give in to the wife. What kind of secret is that? Anyone who is familiar with my book, "The Four Stages of Marriage," knows that. On the off chance that you haven't read this definitive work, the four stages are: 1 -- The Slough of Despond: A young couple usually sinks into this stage three weeks after the honeymoon. They've married in blind passion, never having given a rational thought to each other's idiosyncrasies. So the fellow discovers, much to his consternation, that his dearly beloved is some kind of nut when it comes to folding socks before putting them in drawers. This naturally can lead to lengthy discussions, loud arguments, murder and even divorce. But the serious young man will go on to the second stage: 2 -- The Search for Enlightenment: Being young and inexperienced, he first tries active listening. "So what I hear you saying . . " he says. "What I'm saying," she says, "is fold your damn socks." That sends him to a marriage counselor. If he chooses a man, the man will shake his head and say, "What is it women want?" If it's a woman, she will shake her head and say, "She wants you to fold your damn socks." This inevitably leads to: 3 -- The Surrender to Reality: For awhile, he desperately clings to his position, though losing every battle. Slowly he realizes his limitations. For one thing, being a woman, she has a far better memory. Take the time he tosses his socks helter- skelter in his drawer, and they come out all sticky. "I told you I was going to varnish your bureau," says his wife sweetly. "In a pig's eye," he says. "Oh, yes I did," she says. "I was standing by the dishwasher, wearing my pink sweater and gray skirt and you were over by the door holding the sports section and I said . . ." Well, no one can argue with a memory like that. Worse, once she's recognized the power of her superior memory, she will remember all sorts of things he can't remember, like the time he said the fireplace damper was open or the time he told her to sell IBM at 93 or the time he . . . Even more dispiriting is learning he lacks the concentration for marital arguments. She says he's inconsiderate because he forgot the cat's birthday. A discussion ensues. When they part sulkily, his mind wanders off to baseball or mini skirts. Not hers. By the time they come back together, thanks to her incredible powers of concentration, she's thought up 17 more instances of his inconsiderateness. And all he can talk about is Barry Bonds' batting average. At this point, weaker men usually resort to foot stamping and yelling. But the mature, intelligent man has the grace to accept his handicaps. Realizing that he can't win an argument, he rationally renounces arguing and thereby reaches: 4 -- Nirvana: Is it so difficult to fold a pair of socks? Of course not, not if it will make your wife happy. Selfishly keep in mind that no husband is happy unless his wife his happy. So give in. Do what she says. Remember that the two words that ensure a happy marriage are: "Yes, dear." And if you don't believe me, just ask my dear wife, Glynda. ©1998 San Francisco Chronicle </chronicle/info/copyright>

Fw: HUMOR: An Odd Affair Date: 1998, Feb 26 From: Wai K. Wong <wwong@MMnet.COM>

-----Original Message----- From: Jim Pellmann <jgp@Rational.Com> To: Offsite_Humor@Rational.Com <Offsite_Humor@Rational.Com> Date: Friday, February 06, 1998 4:12 PM Subject: HUMOR: An Odd Affair > >--- Forwarded mail from "Oracle Service Humor Mailing List" ><oracle-humor@lyris.oraclehumor.com> > >Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 23:03:34 -0500 >To: "Oracle Service Humor Mailing List" <oracle-humor@lyris.oraclehumor.com> >From: "Oracle Service Humor Mailing List" <oracle-humor@lyris.oraclehumor.com> >Subject: HUM: An Odd Affair (**1/2) >Reply-To: "Oracle Service Humor Mailing List" ><oracle-humor@lyris.oraclehumor.com> > >A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best >friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just >laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up >the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her >side of the conversation... > >(She is speaking in a cheery voice) > >"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. >I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye >bye." > >She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" > >"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful >time he's having on his fishing trip with you." > > Submitted by: Jim Record @ juno.com > \\|// > (o o) ORACLE SERVICE HUMOR MAILING LIST >------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----------------------------------------------- > >HOW DO I SUBSCRIBE? >It's free! Just send a message to >oracle-humor-subscribe@lyris.oraclehumor.com > >WHERE DO I SEND JOKES? WHERE'S THE WEBSITE? >jokes@oraclehumor.com http://www.oraclehumor.com > >LEGAL STUFF: Wallaby Solutions runs this piece as submitted and >does not claim to own any copyright privileges to it. The work was >submitted to us as an item for the mailing list, and it was posted >solely on the basis of its quality. If this is an administrative >posting, then follow any copyright guidelines noted on the posting. > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > >---End of forwarded mail from "Oracle Service Humor Mailing List" ><oracle-humor@lyris.oraclehumor.com>

Fw: HUMOR: The Bar Bet Date: 1998, Feb 26 From: Wai K. Wong <wwong@MMnet.COM>

-----Original Message----- From: Jim Pellmann <jgp@Rational.Com> To: Offsite_Humor@Rational.Com <Offsite_Humor@Rational.Com> Date: Wednesday, February 18, 1998 4:50 PM Subject: HUMOR: The Bar Bet > >--- Forwarded mail from "Oracle Service Humor Mailing List" ><oracle-humor@lyris.oraclehumor.com> > >Date: Sat, 14 Feb 1998 23:13:13 -0500 >To: "Oracle Service Humor Mailing List" <oracle-humor@lyris.oraclehumor.com> >From: "Oracle Service Humor Mailing List" <oracle-humor@lyris.oraclehumor.com> >Subject: HUM: The Bar Bet (**1/2) >Reply-To: "Oracle Service Humor Mailing List" ><oracle-humor@lyris.oraclehumor.com> > >The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man >around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. > >The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a >glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one >more drop of juice out would win the money. > >Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but >nobody could do it. > >One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a >polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the >bet." > >After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a >lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the >rind to the little man. > >But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched >his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. > >As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the >little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a >weightlifter, or what?" > >The man replied, "I work for the IRS." > > > Submitted by: Roger A Hepworth @ juno.com > > > > \\|// > (o o) ORACLE SERVICE HUMOR MAILING LIST >------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----------------------------------------------- > >HOW DO I SUBSCRIBE? >It's free! Just send a message to >oracle-humor-subscribe@lyris.oraclehumor.com > >WHERE DO I SEND JOKES? WHERE'S THE WEBSITE? >jokes@oraclehumor.com http://www.oraclehumor.com > >LEGAL STUFF: Wallaby Solutions runs this piece as submitted and >does not claim to own any copyright privileges to it. The work was >submitted to us as an item for the mailing list, and it was posted >solely on the basis of its quality. If this is an administrative >posting, then follow any copyright guidelines noted on the posting. > >---End of forwarded mail from "Oracle Service Humor Mailing List" ><oracle-humor@lyris.oraclehumor.com>

HUMOR: PC male bashing Date: 1998, Feb 26 From: <connie@nanospace.com>

From: Mike Beyries <mbeyries@netmanage.com> < forwards who resemble these remarks take the Fifth ... > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - He is not a: Bad dancer He is: Overly Caucasian He does not: Hog the blankets He is: Thermally unappreciative He is not: Unsophisticated He is: Socially malformed He does not: Eat like a pig He suffers from: Reverse bulimia He is not: A sex machine He is: Romantically automated He is not a: Male chauvinist pig He has: Swine empathy He is not: Quiet He is a: Conversational minimalist He does not have a: Beer gut He develops a: Liquid grain storage facility You do not: Undress him with your eyes You have an: Introspective pornographic moment He is not: Afraid of commitment He is: Monogamously challenged He does not have a: Fabulous rear end He has achieved: Buttocks perfection He is not: Stupid He suffers from: Minimal cranial development He does not: Get lost all the time He discovers: Alternative destinations He is not: Balding He is in: Follicle regression You do not: Buy him a drink You initiate an: Alcohol-For-Conversation exchange He does not: Fart and belch He is: Gastronomically expressive His jeans are not: Too tight He is: Anatomically under circulated He is not a: Redneck He is a: Genetically-related American You do not: Kiss him You become: Facially conjoined He is not a: Cradle robber He prefers: Generationally differential relationships He does not get: Falling down drunk He becomes: Accidentally horizontal He does not: Act like a total ass He develops a: Case of rectal-cranial inversion He is not: Short He is: Anatomically compact He does not have a: Rich daddy He is a: Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion He does not: Constantly talk about cars He has a: Vehicular addiction He does not have a: Hot body He is: Physically combustible

HUMOR: Alcohol warning labels Date: 1998, Feb 26 From: <connie@nanospace.com>

From: "Gerrity, Dennis (ext: Syndet)" <dennis.gerrity@syndet.com> From: Gerrity, Tim (ext: Syndet) From: Gary Steven Labb [SMTP:glabb@pacbell.net] ALCOHOL WARNING LABELS If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter! WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".

HUMOR: Sermon on the mount Date: 1998, Feb 26 From: <connie@nanospace.com>

The Sermon on the Mount ...Then Jesus took his Disciples up on the mountain and gathered them around Him. And He taught them saying Blessed are the poor in spirit. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are those who are persecuted. Blessed are those who suffer. When these things happen, rejoice, for your reward will be great in Heaven. And Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?" And Phillip said, "Is this going to be on the test?" And John said, "Would you repeat that, slower?" And Andrew said, "John the Baptist's disciples don't have to learn this stuff." And Matthew said, "Huh?" And Judas said, "What's this got to do with real life?" Then one of the Pharisees, an expert in the law, said, "I don't see any of this in your syllabus." "Do you have a lesson plan? Is there a summary? Where's the student guide? Will there be a follow-up assignment?" And Thomas, who had missed the sermon, came to Jesus privately and said, "Did we do anything important today?" And Jesus wept.

HUMOR: Precursor Date: 1998, Feb 26 From: <connie@nanospace.com>

From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day) "Science comforting man's animal poverty and leisuring his toil, hath humanized manners and social temper, and now above her globe-spredd net of speeded intercourse hath outrun all magic, and disclosing the secrecy of the reticent air hath woven a web of invisible strands spiriting the dumb inane with the quick matter of life..." - Robert Bridges, Testament of Beauty (1930) Book I, ll.722-8 [forwarder notes: Excuse me for the digression, but I felt this passage from Robert Bridges' Testament of Beauty (1930) worth passing on, for the prescience with which he seems almost to have foreseen the internet as the probable child of radio. (The orthography is, of course, his.)] -------------------------------------------------------------- Send quotation submissions to qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca Send list changes or requests to qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca

Acronyms Date: 1998, Feb 26 From: <Owner-HyperNews@MMnet.COM>

HyperNews notification of new message. See: http://www.mmnet.com/HyperNews/get/humor/3.html ISDN It Still Does Nothing APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSI System Can't See It DOS Defective Operating System BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM I Blame Microsoft DEC Do Expect Cuts CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly DVD Differing Vendor Designs OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too. WWW World Wide Wait MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Math COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction LISP Lots of Infuriating Silly Parenthesis MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers JAVA Just Amazing Vendor Assurances PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

Darwin Awards - 1997 nominees Date: 1998, Feb 26 From: Rick Umstattd <rick@deaneng.com>

NOMINEE #1 [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. -------------------------------------------- NOMINEE #2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped around the drive shaft." ---------------- NOMINEE #3 [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. "It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."------------------------------- NOMINEE #4 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he put it to his ear. ------------------------------- NOMINEE #5 [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. ----------------------------------- NOMINEE #6 [AP, Cairo, Egypt] Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18 year old farmer was the first to descend into the 60 foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived. -------------------------- NOMINEE #7 [Bloomburg News Service, 25 March] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was "...a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized. ----------------------------- NOMINEE #9 [San Jose Mercury News] A 24 year old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla., in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.-------------------------------------------- NOMINEE #10 [The News of the weird.] JOINT NOMINEE Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously in 1989. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. In March 1989, sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. On Jan. 1, 1997, Laurence Baker, also a convicted murderer once on death row, but later serving a life sentence at the state prison in Pittsburgh, Pa., was electrocuted by his homemade earphones as he watched his small TV while sitting on his metal toilet. ------------- NOMINEE #11["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a .54 caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. --------------------- NOMINEE #12 [AP, Mammoth Lakes] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It was not clear if the tower he hit was one with its pad removed. "With the cold temperatures, the snow was probably pretty fast," said Donnelly. ---------------------------- NOMINEE #13 [Reuters, Warsaw, Poland] A poacher electrocuting fish in a lake in central Poland fell into the water and suffered the same fate as his quarry, police said Thursday. The 24 year old man was one of four who went fishing with a cable, one end of which they attached to a net and the other to a high voltage electricity supply line, the PAP news agency quoted a police official in Wloclawek as saying. "For a while everything went according to the poachers' plan and they had fish in their bags. But at a certain moment the man holding the net tripped and fell into the water," the agency said. The other poachers tried in vain to revive him, it said. -------------------------------------------- NOMINEE #14 [AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Shortly thereafter, paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death. ------------------------ NOMINEE 15 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba in Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- was killed instantly when the carcass fell on him. -------------------------------------------- NOMINEE 16 [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. ''Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it,'' Payne said. '' It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'll show you how to set it off.' I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that,'' Payne said. ---------- AND FINALLY, NOMINEE #17 In December near Mineral Wells, Tex., three men who were attempting to steal copper wire off live electrical lines for resale were electrocuted. Copper wiring is a valuable scrap metal in Texas but is usually stolen from electric cables that are not being used. Here are some people that may be future nominees/winners, but still haven't made it to the "Big Leagues": [UPI, Portland, OR]: Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, '' I feel so dumb about this.'' No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation. Arkansas Democrat Gazette, July 25, 1996: Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened", said deputy Snyder. ------------------------------------------- The Calgary Sun (CP): A man arguing over a love triangle accidently shot himself in the groin, taking off his testicles and part of his penis. Police said the man was waving a .357 Magnum revolver around during the shouting match early yesterday. But when he stuffed it back in his pants the gun went off. Police were called to the hospital after the man in his 20's was brought in by friends. Charges are pending against the victim, who is expected to survive. ------------

darwin awards Re: Darwin Awards - 1997 nominees (Rick Umstattd) Date: 1998, Feb 27 From: Katie

these are the best!!! Katie

And only one has been discontinued Date: 1998, Feb 26 From: Wai K. Wong <wwong@MMnet.COM>

From: Rochelle Grober <rocky@hal.com> Forwarded message from Jim Pasha <jpasha@adaclabs.com> These might make the Duncan Hines' eat-if-you-dare list.......... The 8 Worst Convenience Foods 8. Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease. 7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label -- he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered. 6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs. 5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it's stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat "falling off the bone." 4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it's a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat,to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where eveyone happily consumes Vegemite? 3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack.Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually blind, he's blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs. 2. Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate` (Kylmaenen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa's sleigh team -- he didn't want to end up a cracker spread. 1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing you've ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you're the sort who's always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.

funny Re: And only one has been discontinued (Wai K. Wong) Date: 1998, Feb 26 From: rick <rick@deaneng.com>

now that i read the list, it's pretty funny.... ->Rick

Untitled Re: And only one has been discontinued (Wai K. Wong) Date: 1998, Feb 26 From: rick <rick@deaneng.com>

find out about bounces....

to: "Humor and the like"